Martin Hannigan
2005-12-25 01:09:03 UTC
THE USENET CABAL
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
1. What is the Usenet Cabal?
1a. How can I join The Cabal?
1b. Why do I want to join The Cabal?
1c. What does 'tinc' mean?
1d. What is a Cabal ID number?
1e. Is the NSA really involved?
1f. Is Monica Lewinksy REALLY in The Cabal?
2. What is the mission of the Usenet Cabal?
a. How will you sustain this mission?
b. Does The Cabal have a limit?
3. Who is interested in The Cabal?
a. Why are they interested?
4. Cabal Organizational Structure
a. Cabal Organization Chart
5. Cabal Haters
a. Who hates the Usenet Cabal?
6. Usenet Cabal Resources
a. Usenet Cabal mailing list.
b. Usenet Cabal newsgroup.
c. Usenet Cabal Public Relations Web Site
7. Rumored Cabal Members
a. Who?
8. Where does The Cabal meet?
9. Does Speedbump really have no arms?
10. How does the CABAL communicate in and outside the
organization?
- BEGIN FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
1. What is The Usenet Cabal?
The Usenet Cabal is an association of Internet Service Providers,
Network Access Providers and Content Providers that run medium to
large scale news systems all over the entire world. The NSA advises
us that when the International Space Station is operational, they
too will participate, although their involvement will be secret.
It's suspected they will monitor feeds off the satellites for
intelligence purposes.
1a. How can I join The Cabal?
You can't. The Cabal will come to you requesting your application
for membership. If you receive such a request, inform noone, complete
the applications and mail it to:
Usenet Cabal
c/o NSA Internet Office
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20002
1b. Why do I want to join The Cabal?
Membership has its priveleges. As a full member of The Cabal,
you will attend NSA sponsored Cabal meetings at locations all
over the world. You get input on major news decisions including
re-organizations, rmgroups and how to deal with anti net.freedom
groups. You will also receive a Cabal Card, good for discounts
at BestBuy[tm].
1.c What does 'tinc' mean?
'tinc' stands for "There is No Cabal". Contrary to populist belief,
there *is* a Cabal. You think 50,000 newsgroups created themselves?
1.d What is a Cabal ID number?
A Cabal ID number is a unique identifier of Cabal Members. You
*must* be a Cabal member to display it in your signature. It
consists of a 10 place alphanumeric sting. The alpha character on
the end is a special 'check digit' to guard against forgery. All
Cabal members have an application that can check your ID.
There is a special caveat attached to this number: You may request
a number and automatically become an Associate Member of The Cabal.
When you receive your number you must display it with the prependation
of ASSO-XXXXXXXXXX. Number requests can be sent to ***@fugawi.net,
The Cabals Grand Poobah.
1.e Is the NSA really involved?
We can neither confirm nor deny NSA association with the Usenet Cabal.
But see the address for returning your application for clue.
1.f Is Monica Lewsinky REALLY in The Cabal?
Monica Lewsinky has been associated with The Cabal since 1992.
Before her *ahem* career at the White House, Monica was a staffer
at The Cabal House. Her tenure at The Cabal House was short lived.
It has been alleged that she had held a secret affair with The
Chairman of The Cabal. Subsequently, we placed her at the White House
as a way to keep her out of trouble, much like we placed Oliver
North. Oh well, we'll keep trying.
2. What is the mission of The Cabal?
"The mission of the Usenet Cabal is to peacefully
manage Usenet beyond the screams of Anarchy and retain
non governmental control over its operations. We will
serve users world wide with fair and accurate administration
as well as a 'small government' mindset to insure that
Usenet remains free and vital to the Internet at large"
- Chairman, Usenet Cabal '88
a. How will you sustain this mission?
The Cabal is usually a peacful organization. However, there have been
historical times when The Cabal has taken action, with extreme prejudice.
Our government association gives us access to certain organizations in
the United States that will support The Cabal in times of need.
b. Does The Cabal have a limit?
The Cabal will not be stopped. Does that answer your question?
3. Who is interested in The Cabal?
The following parties hold interest in the Usenet Cabal:
- National Security Agency
- Department of Defense
- United States Secret Service
- Central Intelligence Agency
- U.S. Department of Justice
- Yugoslavia
- Worldcomm
- NASA
- Speaker of The House, United States House of Representatives
- Sprint
- U.S. West
- Bell South
- AT&T
- BellCore
- Bell Atlantic
- GweepNet Cooperative
- Fugawi Networks, Inc.
- Massachusetts Institute of Technology
- New England Technology Forum
- Inter Exchange Virtual Networks, Inc.
- NOGS
- Jay Leno
- Peoples Republic of Cambridge, MA
- The Druid
- Tuco Pacifico Ramirez
- Omega Dave
3a. Is The Cabal really traded on the NYSE?
No. Usenet Cabal shares are traded on the NASDAQ. Symbol: UCBL
You must access a special section of the NASDAQ website in order
to get a quote. You will receive a SecurID fob when you are allowed
to access the site. Access to the symbol and it's reports are
restricted to The Cabal High Council. Bear Stearns was the market
maker for the IPO. UCBL secretlywent public on 1/5/92. There is talk
of a spinoff in order to create the "Web Cabal". Stay tuned for
more information.
4. Cabal Organization Structure
Due to the war on terrorism, the Cabal has taken a war time
stance. We are now reporting to the Secretary of Homeland
Security, Secretary Ridge. All other details are Top Secret.
Refer to Federal Security Handbook section 7, para 9.
4.a Usenet Cabal Organization Chart.
POTUS
|
SEC. Homeland Security
|
MTV Liason ------|---------Board of Directors
Mind Control Res.| | |- Usenet Gov't Surveillance Unit
|
-------------------------
| | | |
PRESS NSA DOD EXECUTIVE
RELATIONS LIASON LIASON OFFICERS
| |
| |---------GRAND POOBAHS
________ CABAL MEMBERSHIP |- State Governors
| |
PROPAGANDA USENET
SPECIAL SPECIAL
OPERATIONS OPERATIONS
|
COVERT OPS
SPECIAL OPS
NEWSGROUP 7
5. Cabal Haters
There are multiple right wing communist operations operating in
offense to the Usenet Cabal.
5a. Who hates the Usenet Cabal?
There are multiple right wing groups operating on the Internet,
specifically Usenet that hates the Usenet Cabal. For instance,
one group calls itself the freedom-knights <freedom-***@jetcafe.org>
and has been harassing Usenet Cabal members for years. The Freedom
Fighters were a Soviet spy cell designed for cold war operations in the
early 80's. Their specific mission was to disrupt Internet operations
in the United States and use Usenet as a major propaganda vehicle.
Gorbachev first had the idea back in 1986 and it was passed on through
the years by the KGB's Special Office of Internet Monitoring<SOIM>.
About 4 years ago, they were totally abandoned by the now defunct
USSR and have tried to operate on their own with little success.
6. Usenet Cabal Resources
6a. Usenet Cabal mailing list.
You can request to be added to the usenet-cabal special updates
mailing list by sending a request to ***@fugawi.net
on through The Usenet Cabal newsgroup "cabal.general". What?
You don't have the cabal.* hiearchy? Eww. Contacts your news
administrator for assistance.
c. Usenet Cabal Public Relations Web Site
If you don't already know the address, then don't ask.
7. Rumored Cabal Members
7a. Who?
This is classified, but see previous sections for clue.
8. Where does The Cabal meet?
Rumor has it that Cabal meetings are completely unnanounced, even to
Cabal members. The NSA sends an agent team and a car to pick up the
member who is then blind folded and put into the limo. They are taken
to the nearest airport and placed on a jet with no windows and taken
to their destination. For instance, the last meeting was in Bahamas.
When the meeting is over, the NSA drops sleeping gas pellets into the
room and moves everyone back on to a Military Airlift Comand C-130
for transport to US Naval Base Norfolk Virginia, and connecting
flights are met from there. Quite an elaborate setup. It was
specifically designed with the approval of George Bush, and it's
goal is to insure no party crashers at our meetings. Before the
new system took effect, we met in rent controlled buildings in
Cambridge, Massachusetts.
9. Does Speedbump really have no arms?
Speedbump has no arms. They were stolen by Martin Hannigan in
1997 and have not been located. If you find his arms, please
contact Speedbump...somehow..
10. How does the CABAL communicate in and outside the
organization?
The CABAL maintains not only an extensive internal communications
infrastructure, but we have some interesting methods of external
communications as well. In 2001, The Cabal overhauled it's
infrastructure in response to the terrorism acts of September
11, 2001 and modified the CABAL Consitution [TINCC] to include
wiretapping and surveillance of it's members and other usenet
participants. We frequently monitor news.admin.censorship,
alt.usenet.kooks, and other usenet newsgroups for "interesting"
discussions that can be analyzed and forwarded to Omega. [TINO].
We've recently begun monitoring us.* hiearchy as it appears
to be a hotbed of secret Al Qaeda communications.
We've also maintained some old fashioned methods of communication
in order to thwart surveillance by Al Qaeda. The CABAL has been
know to be on Osama Bin Ladin and Saddam Hussein's MOST WANTED
list.
Between the US and the EU we maintain the 'Diplomatic Pouch'
system. Between the US and non EU countries, carrier pigeons
are the preferred method of secret [TINS] communications.
Please contact ***@fugawi.net for more information on
communicating with the CABAL and it's spies ^H^H^H^H^H
members.
--END OF CABAL FAQ
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
1. What is the Usenet Cabal?
1a. How can I join The Cabal?
1b. Why do I want to join The Cabal?
1c. What does 'tinc' mean?
1d. What is a Cabal ID number?
1e. Is the NSA really involved?
1f. Is Monica Lewinksy REALLY in The Cabal?
2. What is the mission of the Usenet Cabal?
a. How will you sustain this mission?
b. Does The Cabal have a limit?
3. Who is interested in The Cabal?
a. Why are they interested?
4. Cabal Organizational Structure
a. Cabal Organization Chart
5. Cabal Haters
a. Who hates the Usenet Cabal?
6. Usenet Cabal Resources
a. Usenet Cabal mailing list.
b. Usenet Cabal newsgroup.
c. Usenet Cabal Public Relations Web Site
7. Rumored Cabal Members
a. Who?
8. Where does The Cabal meet?
9. Does Speedbump really have no arms?
10. How does the CABAL communicate in and outside the
organization?
- BEGIN FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
1. What is The Usenet Cabal?
The Usenet Cabal is an association of Internet Service Providers,
Network Access Providers and Content Providers that run medium to
large scale news systems all over the entire world. The NSA advises
us that when the International Space Station is operational, they
too will participate, although their involvement will be secret.
It's suspected they will monitor feeds off the satellites for
intelligence purposes.
1a. How can I join The Cabal?
You can't. The Cabal will come to you requesting your application
for membership. If you receive such a request, inform noone, complete
the applications and mail it to:
Usenet Cabal
c/o NSA Internet Office
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20002
1b. Why do I want to join The Cabal?
Membership has its priveleges. As a full member of The Cabal,
you will attend NSA sponsored Cabal meetings at locations all
over the world. You get input on major news decisions including
re-organizations, rmgroups and how to deal with anti net.freedom
groups. You will also receive a Cabal Card, good for discounts
at BestBuy[tm].
1.c What does 'tinc' mean?
'tinc' stands for "There is No Cabal". Contrary to populist belief,
there *is* a Cabal. You think 50,000 newsgroups created themselves?
1.d What is a Cabal ID number?
A Cabal ID number is a unique identifier of Cabal Members. You
*must* be a Cabal member to display it in your signature. It
consists of a 10 place alphanumeric sting. The alpha character on
the end is a special 'check digit' to guard against forgery. All
Cabal members have an application that can check your ID.
There is a special caveat attached to this number: You may request
a number and automatically become an Associate Member of The Cabal.
When you receive your number you must display it with the prependation
of ASSO-XXXXXXXXXX. Number requests can be sent to ***@fugawi.net,
The Cabals Grand Poobah.
1.e Is the NSA really involved?
We can neither confirm nor deny NSA association with the Usenet Cabal.
But see the address for returning your application for clue.
1.f Is Monica Lewsinky REALLY in The Cabal?
Monica Lewsinky has been associated with The Cabal since 1992.
Before her *ahem* career at the White House, Monica was a staffer
at The Cabal House. Her tenure at The Cabal House was short lived.
It has been alleged that she had held a secret affair with The
Chairman of The Cabal. Subsequently, we placed her at the White House
as a way to keep her out of trouble, much like we placed Oliver
North. Oh well, we'll keep trying.
2. What is the mission of The Cabal?
"The mission of the Usenet Cabal is to peacefully
manage Usenet beyond the screams of Anarchy and retain
non governmental control over its operations. We will
serve users world wide with fair and accurate administration
as well as a 'small government' mindset to insure that
Usenet remains free and vital to the Internet at large"
- Chairman, Usenet Cabal '88
a. How will you sustain this mission?
The Cabal is usually a peacful organization. However, there have been
historical times when The Cabal has taken action, with extreme prejudice.
Our government association gives us access to certain organizations in
the United States that will support The Cabal in times of need.
b. Does The Cabal have a limit?
The Cabal will not be stopped. Does that answer your question?
3. Who is interested in The Cabal?
The following parties hold interest in the Usenet Cabal:
- National Security Agency
- Department of Defense
- United States Secret Service
- Central Intelligence Agency
- U.S. Department of Justice
- Yugoslavia
- Worldcomm
- NASA
- Speaker of The House, United States House of Representatives
- Sprint
- U.S. West
- Bell South
- AT&T
- BellCore
- Bell Atlantic
- GweepNet Cooperative
- Fugawi Networks, Inc.
- Massachusetts Institute of Technology
- New England Technology Forum
- Inter Exchange Virtual Networks, Inc.
- NOGS
- Jay Leno
- Peoples Republic of Cambridge, MA
- The Druid
- Tuco Pacifico Ramirez
- Omega Dave
3a. Is The Cabal really traded on the NYSE?
No. Usenet Cabal shares are traded on the NASDAQ. Symbol: UCBL
You must access a special section of the NASDAQ website in order
to get a quote. You will receive a SecurID fob when you are allowed
to access the site. Access to the symbol and it's reports are
restricted to The Cabal High Council. Bear Stearns was the market
maker for the IPO. UCBL secretlywent public on 1/5/92. There is talk
of a spinoff in order to create the "Web Cabal". Stay tuned for
more information.
4. Cabal Organization Structure
Due to the war on terrorism, the Cabal has taken a war time
stance. We are now reporting to the Secretary of Homeland
Security, Secretary Ridge. All other details are Top Secret.
Refer to Federal Security Handbook section 7, para 9.
4.a Usenet Cabal Organization Chart.
POTUS
|
SEC. Homeland Security
|
MTV Liason ------|---------Board of Directors
Mind Control Res.| | |- Usenet Gov't Surveillance Unit
|
-------------------------
| | | |
PRESS NSA DOD EXECUTIVE
RELATIONS LIASON LIASON OFFICERS
| |
| |---------GRAND POOBAHS
________ CABAL MEMBERSHIP |- State Governors
| |
PROPAGANDA USENET
SPECIAL SPECIAL
OPERATIONS OPERATIONS
|
COVERT OPS
SPECIAL OPS
NEWSGROUP 7
5. Cabal Haters
There are multiple right wing communist operations operating in
offense to the Usenet Cabal.
5a. Who hates the Usenet Cabal?
There are multiple right wing groups operating on the Internet,
specifically Usenet that hates the Usenet Cabal. For instance,
one group calls itself the freedom-knights <freedom-***@jetcafe.org>
and has been harassing Usenet Cabal members for years. The Freedom
Fighters were a Soviet spy cell designed for cold war operations in the
early 80's. Their specific mission was to disrupt Internet operations
in the United States and use Usenet as a major propaganda vehicle.
Gorbachev first had the idea back in 1986 and it was passed on through
the years by the KGB's Special Office of Internet Monitoring<SOIM>.
About 4 years ago, they were totally abandoned by the now defunct
USSR and have tried to operate on their own with little success.
6. Usenet Cabal Resources
6a. Usenet Cabal mailing list.
You can request to be added to the usenet-cabal special updates
mailing list by sending a request to ***@fugawi.net
on through The Usenet Cabal newsgroup "cabal.general". What?
You don't have the cabal.* hiearchy? Eww. Contacts your news
administrator for assistance.
c. Usenet Cabal Public Relations Web Site
If you don't already know the address, then don't ask.
7. Rumored Cabal Members
7a. Who?
This is classified, but see previous sections for clue.
8. Where does The Cabal meet?
Rumor has it that Cabal meetings are completely unnanounced, even to
Cabal members. The NSA sends an agent team and a car to pick up the
member who is then blind folded and put into the limo. They are taken
to the nearest airport and placed on a jet with no windows and taken
to their destination. For instance, the last meeting was in Bahamas.
When the meeting is over, the NSA drops sleeping gas pellets into the
room and moves everyone back on to a Military Airlift Comand C-130
for transport to US Naval Base Norfolk Virginia, and connecting
flights are met from there. Quite an elaborate setup. It was
specifically designed with the approval of George Bush, and it's
goal is to insure no party crashers at our meetings. Before the
new system took effect, we met in rent controlled buildings in
Cambridge, Massachusetts.
9. Does Speedbump really have no arms?
Speedbump has no arms. They were stolen by Martin Hannigan in
1997 and have not been located. If you find his arms, please
contact Speedbump...somehow..
10. How does the CABAL communicate in and outside the
organization?
The CABAL maintains not only an extensive internal communications
infrastructure, but we have some interesting methods of external
communications as well. In 2001, The Cabal overhauled it's
infrastructure in response to the terrorism acts of September
11, 2001 and modified the CABAL Consitution [TINCC] to include
wiretapping and surveillance of it's members and other usenet
participants. We frequently monitor news.admin.censorship,
alt.usenet.kooks, and other usenet newsgroups for "interesting"
discussions that can be analyzed and forwarded to Omega. [TINO].
We've recently begun monitoring us.* hiearchy as it appears
to be a hotbed of secret Al Qaeda communications.
We've also maintained some old fashioned methods of communication
in order to thwart surveillance by Al Qaeda. The CABAL has been
know to be on Osama Bin Ladin and Saddam Hussein's MOST WANTED
list.
Between the US and the EU we maintain the 'Diplomatic Pouch'
system. Between the US and non EU countries, carrier pigeons
are the preferred method of secret [TINS] communications.
Please contact ***@fugawi.net for more information on
communicating with the CABAL and it's spies ^H^H^H^H^H
members.
--END OF CABAL FAQ